


Just Keep Breathing | Larry Stylinson

by xdistorted_cliffordx



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 1d, Bottom!Harry, Daddy Louis, Death, Depressing, Funeral, Gemma is a surrogate, Harry Styles - Freeform, Harry is a mom, Just hold on, LGBT, Liam Payne - Freeform, Louis Tomlinson - Freeform, Love, M/M, Momma Harry, Niall Horan - Freeform, Please Don't Hate Me, Sad, Suicide, Zayn Malik - Freeform, descriptive, directioners - Freeform, harry bottoms, harry loves Louis, larry lovechild, larry stylinson - Freeform, louis is a dad, louis tops, one direction - Freeform, suicidal, top!Louis, you will cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-28 21:22:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11426442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xdistorted_cliffordx/pseuds/xdistorted_cliffordx
Summary: Pairing: Larry Stylinson (Bottom!Harry, Top!Louis)Disclaimers:-This one shot is very, very, very fucking sad. I cried about 15 times while writing it. There is very triggering details in here having to do with suicide, so if you do have a problem with it, I ask that you do not read this. Please. I'm not kidding when I say that it's descriptive and detailed. It's like 13 Reasons Why descriptive.-Gemma was Larry's surrogate, just so you aren't confused.-PLEASE be respectful when commenting. If you have something negative to say, please keep it to yourself.Length: 6.2KAlso available on my Tumblr (ive-been-shot-in-the-feels) and Wattpad (1D_HarryStyles_1D).PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY SUICIDE. IF YOU DO READ THIS, DO NOT COMMENT THAT THIS HAS NO WARNING ABOUT THESE EVENTS BECAUSE I HAVE WARNED YOU TWICE.





	Just Keep Breathing | Larry Stylinson

**Author's Note:**

> Please do NOT comment about how I should have written this as this is my story and my idea and how I wanted it portrayed. I'm the author, not you. So please, don't tell me how to write MY ideas. :)

The smallest coffins are the heaviest.

A quote that Harry completely understood now. As he sat on the velvet cushion of the old rickety chair inside of the funeral home, his leg trembled in attempt to fight back his sobs. His lips trembled - more so than they had when he had to face his fear of skydiving. His palms began to dampen as the tears escaped. Harry couldn’t do it. There was absolutely no way.

“Haz?” a soft voice asked from above him.

Harry’s head snapped up, his eyes slightly burning from crying. He sniffled, trying his hardest to make it look like he hadn’t been sobbing for the past day and a half, but knew that it was no use. Louis was standing there, looking at Harry with a broken look - the kind that looked like it was permanent. Harry had never seen him like that before. The man that called himself a tough guy, that would do whatever it took to protect Harry and anyone he loved - was shattered.

“You okay, baby?” he asked.

“Does it look like I’m fucking okay? Our son just died. I don’t think ‘okay’ is really an emotion that I’ll ever feel again,” Harry snapped, watching as Louis’ face broke even more. More tears struck Harry as he felt instant guilt. Louis didn’t deserve to be snapped at. Noah was his son too.

Louis didn’t say anything and proceeded to walk over to Harry, squatting down so he was the same height as Harry. He wrapped his arm around his back, causing the poor boy to break even more. Harry couldn’t help himself as he folded into Louis’ chest and let out his unruly sobs. Where he used to feel safe in his husband’s arms, he didn’t anymore.

“I know you don’t want to, but we need to finish getting everything organized. They’ve got other appointments today,” Louis told him softly.

They broke apart and Louis helped Harry to his feet. As much as Harry just wanted to quit putting the funeral together, he didn’t. It wasn’t because he wanted the most beautiful service for his little boy, but because he felt that everyone would forget about Noah after the funeral and act like he never existed. It would feel like life was continuing on as though nothing happened, as though Noah had never even stepped foot on planet Earth.

“Haz?”

Louis’ voice shook Harry from his short trance. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and continued to follow Louis into the room. “Sorry. I just zoned out a little bit.”

The funeral director was sitting behind her desk, pounding away at her computer keyboard, as though planning a child’s funeral was as common as a birthday party. Harry knew that she was just doing her job, but he wished that she would just act like it was something more than just a paycheck. It disgusted him.

“All ready to continue on?” she asked, voice cheery. It made Harry’s stomach churn.

Neither of them said anything and they just sat in the chairs on the other side of the desk. Harry wasn’t paying attention to how the actual service would work. He didn’t care. It wasn’t a place to smile, yet this broad was smiling ear-to-ear. Everything was picked out to what Harry and Louis believed that Noah would’ve wanted and that’s all that counted in Harry’s mind. All he wanted to do was go home and hide beneath the covers until his time to die came.

\----

“Harry, baby, are you awake?”

Of course he was. He hadn’t slept for weeks. He didn’t know what sleep even was anymore. Exhaustion had left his body and had been replaced by numbness and nothingness. The only emotion that coursed through his veins was sadness. His eyes leaked tears at least six times a day, which was no longer surprising to him anymore.

“I don’t sleep, Louis,” Harry answered, his voice hoarse.

Louis didn’t say anymore and suddenly Harry felt the bed dip behind him as a familiar hand began to rub his back. “Do you need anything? You haven’t eaten in days.”

“I’m not hungry,” Harry responded, his stare remaining on the blank wall.

“Baby, I know you’re hurting. I am too. But it kills me to see you like this, H. Please let me take care of you,” Louis pleaded with him, his voice lacking the cheeriness that it used to. It sounded broken.

Harry couldn’t help himself as he began to break down yet again. Louis laid down behind him and spooned him as an attempt at comfort. Harry rolled over and curled into his husband, just wanting to be held. He missed his son, his happiness, the way things were before their life changed completely. “I’m so s-sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, baby. You have nothing to be sorry for,” Louis comforted softly, his voice breaking. “Come on, let me wash you up so you can feel fresh.”

Harry didn’t fight him and just let Louis lead him into the bathroom. He couldn’t find it in him to move. Words couldn’t describe the feeling of despair that he was feeling. Louis slid his sweater up over his head and threw it into the laundry basket by the door. It wasn’t romantic as he took off the apparel on his lower region. It was just a husband and best friend that was doing what he could to take care of someone that he loved ever so deeply. Harry was slouched on the toilet, not caring that he was naked or even in the bathroom. He just wanted life to stop, to disappear into the void.

He caught Louis looking at him with a heartbroken look, but didn’t pay any mind to it. Louis quickly stripped out of his clothes and turned on the shower, making sure that the water was steaming. Harry loved a hot and steamy shower because it helped his muscles relax and made him feel extra refreshed. He wouldn’t take any other shower unless the handle was turned all the way to the ‘Hot’.

Louis grabbed Harry’s hand, helping him up from his seated position and helped him into the shower. The water rained down on them from the ceiling showerhead, soaking them both completely. They were facing each other, but Harry was looking anywhere but Louis. His mind was too busy reeling about what he could’ve done differently in order to save his son’s life. What if they would’ve known sooner? Would Noah still be alive? Would his husband be having to give him a shower because he was so weak and broken?

Louis grabbed the stress relief aroma therapy body wash from the suction container that was on the wall, squirting some onto Harry’s light pink loofa. He grabbed Harry’s arms and coated them in the body wash. He continued to soap up his entire body, despite the water causing it to run down to his feet anyway. While it normally would be, there was nothing sexual about it. Even when he got to the nether region, nothing happened. Louis didn’t get turned on, Harry didn’t. To both of them, the days of being aroused felt like they were over.

Harry finally glanced up at Louis as he rubbed shampoo into his long hair. Louis’ eyes were a dull gray-blue rather than the pure blue that they normally were. He thought that he saw a tear fall from his eye, but it could've just been a water droplet. He looked over Louis’ face, admiring every small detail of it. The care and love that Louis was giving him in that moment was something that Harry loved and appreciated most about him. He had to admit that Louis was the only one that was giving him reason to stay alive and not just give up. Louis was the only thing keeping him upright.

Without another thought, Harry just leaned forward into Louis, giving him a hug. He didn’t care that the he was leaving his shampoo in or that he was getting Louis full of it. He just wanted to be held and wanted to hold the one that knew exactly how much pain he was experiencing and was doing anything he could to take care of both of them.

“I’m so sorry, Louis. For everything,” Harry muttered into Louis’ wet shoulder.

“It’s not your fault, baby. I just want to do whatever I can to take care of you,” Louis told him.

The two just stood together as the water rained down on them. Harry felt at home in Louis’ arms, not wanting to leave them. He couldn’t imagine going through something like this without Louis.

“I would be dead by now if I wouldn’t have you,” Harry admitted, feeling Louis’ grip around him tighten along with Louis burying his face into his soapy hair. “I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”

Above him, Harry heard Louis sniffle and his voice came out shakily, as though he was crying. “Just keep breathing, Haz.”

\----

The day of the funeral was hell.

They hadn’t even finished the wake part of the morning and he was ready to crawl in the casket with Noah. He hadn’t even been to look at his baby boy yet. He didn’t think that he could do it without breaking down to his knees in front of the entire church. Harry hadn’t talked much to anyone who had arrived. He just stood at the photo board that Gemma and his mum had helped he and Louis make the night prior. He looked at the smiling faces of the past, reliving the memories that had been made and wished that life could go back to those times. When they didn’t know that Noah was going to be taken from them.

“Want me to refill that cup with something stronger?”

Harry tore his eyes from the photo board and saw his and Louis’ good friend Niall standing there with a sympathetic smirk on his face. “I don’t think even the strongest of liquors could make this any less painful.”

Niall grabbed Harry in a hug, which it took every ounce in Harry’s body not to break down and cry for the tenth time that morning. “Sorry is the biggest understatement. I’m so gutted for ya, buddy. He was a good boy that didn’t deserve what he got.”

“Thanks for coming, Niall,” Harry responded with a nod.

“I wouldn’t have missed it. I’m here for ya both if ya need anything,” Niall told him, his hand on his shoulder.

“Have you seen him?” Harry suddenly asked, not wanting Niall to leave him alone.

“Who? Louis?” the brunette asked.

“No. _My son,_ ” Harry mumbled, whispering ‘my son’ like it was now taboo to say.

Niall didn’t answer right away and just looked at Harry with sadness filling his crystal blue eyes before he shook his head. “I haven’t. I didn’t want to go up there alone.”

Harry just nodded slightly, looking down at the floor as he bit his lip. “I just wondered if he looked like himself.”

“I’m sure he does. They do a pretty good job keeping them true to what they actually looked,” Niall reassured.

Harry felt a tear escape the corner of his eye as Niall said everything past tense. He didn’t know if he could ever refer to Noah in the past. He isn’t a past thought. Niall didn’t say anything and took Harry into another hug, who didn’t hold back his sobs anymore. Harry didn’t know how long they stood there, but by the time he calmed himself down, he found himself back in Louis’ arms.

\----

“Burying a child is like putting a period before the end of a sentence. I never once thought that either Harry or I would’ve outlived our son, Noah. Standing up here in front of you today is the hardest thing that we will ever have to do and to stay composed is something that’s a battle in itself. From the bottom of both of our hearts, we want to thank you so much for coming here and remembering our baby boy that had only graced us with three short yet wonderful years of his presence.

“If you had the privilege of knowing Noah and being in his presence, you knew that he was such a lively and happy little boy. He always smiled and was never in a bad mood. Even during his short but long battle with his disease, he never lost the smile on his face or the happy attitude that he so possessed. I think he inherited that from Haz’s family.

“Noah has never been a troublesome child – quite an angel really. There was never a dull moment with him around, always joking with us or anyone that was visiting. Although neither Harry or myself are very religious, we both believe that he’s truly a blessing that was sent from God himself. We couldn’t have asked for a child any better. He was and always will be our little angel,” Louis concluded, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Harry followed him down to the front pew, tasting the blood from his lip because he was biting it so hard to keep himself from bawling in front of the congregation. Originally, Harry was supposed to read the eulogy, but both him and Louis knew that that wasn’t going to happen. Harry would’ve never made it through.

Louis did a very good job. As anyone would’ve expected, he did cry while reading it, but he didn’t completely lose it like Harry would’ve. It was admirable. The man had always been good at controlling his emotions like that. He honored their son so well.

\----

Once the funeral and burial was over, which went by in a blur, the guests stuck around at the church for the meal afterwards. Harry just wanted to go home. He didn’t want to listen to the ‘awes’ and unmeaningful sympathy messages from family he hasn’t seen since he was a little kid. He knew who cared and meant their sympathies without them even saying anything. There was no reason for him to even stay there.

“Aren’t you going to eat, sweetie?” Anne, Harry’s mum, said to him.

“Not hungry,” Harry muttered as she sat next to him on the small loveseat, rubbing his back comfortingly.

“Dumb question, but how are you holding up?” she asked.

Harry wanted to say something smart, but knew that she was just trying to be there for him. “I’m not.”

“You must be somewhat because you smell a hell of a lot better than you did a few days ago,” she pointed out, trying to get him to crack some type of smile, but failed. “Honey, I know it’s hard. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now. But I know that you’re going to make it through this. You’ve got the most wonderful husband by your side that will do absolutely anything for you to make sure that you’re happy. You’re a strong boy, Harry. You’re my baby and I raised you to be strong, even in the most challenging times such as this. Noah wouldn’t want you to give up or be sad. I know that this is a terrible thing, but it’s what the universe decided for him.”

“Mum, you don’t get it. Noah was our life, he was my life. I did everything for him and I dedicated my life to him and his wellbeing. Now that I don’t have that, I don’t have anything. I devoted myself to making sure that he was the happiest little boy in the world, but it’s my fault that he’s gone. I didn’t listen to him when he said that he had headaches. I gave him a Tylenol and told him that it would go away and it fucking didn’t and now he’s the one that went away,” Harry rambled to her.

Anne didn’t say anything and just hugged her son. He was crumbling and he didn’t know if he was going to be able to save himself.

\----

_“Where do you want to go today?” Harry asked Noah, deciding that he would let him pick where they spent the day._

_“Can we go to the hill?” Noah replied, his little blue eyes twinkling with hope as he referenced Haytham Park._

_“Of course we can,” Harry chuckled, looking at Louis with a smile on his face. “You know where to go, Tommo.”_

_The drive was silent except for Harry giggling while he and Noah made funny faces back and forth. The boy was absolutely adorable and Harry couldn’t have asked for a better son. The car rides with the three of them went by so quickly. Granted, it only took about twenty minutes to get there from their home, but it felt like it was only five. Once they got there, Harry saw the other children playing on the playground, screeching and having fun. The swings were open and Harry saw an opportunity as Louis picked Noah up out of the car seat._

_“Do you want to go on the swings, Noah? You can sit on one of our laps,” Harry suggested._

_“No. I want the hill,” Noah stated flatly, as though Harry’s idea was complete insanity._

_He never understood what his fascination was with the hill and why he didn’t want to play on the playground equipment with the other kids. It didn’t really concern Harry that he didn’t want to make friends with those other kids, it was more concerning that he didn’t want to take part in the activities that a normal toddler would._

_They were seated beneath the tree on top of the hill, Noah just sitting on his knees, pulling on the grass. Louis was taking a call from his sister, leaving the two alone. “Why do you like the hill so much?”_

_Noah looked up at Harry, his adorable little face something that Harry would never grow tired of looking at. “It’s pretty. Look it. And only we’re up here.”_

_Harry looked at the view, the skyscrapers from London in the distance. The tops of houses were visible. It was a rather beautiful cityscape. “Why does it matter that it’s only us up here?”_

_“Special spot,” Noah said, smiling widely. “Daddy and you and me sit here only. It’s home but not.”_

_Harry’s heart warmed at the sentence. Although it was gibberish, Harry knew that he was actually trying to say that Harry and Louis were his home. The reason he loved that spot so much is because it’s where he realized that home wasn’t a place – it was two people that loved him more than anything in the world. It was the place that created the most memories, although they were small. It was the place that Noah felt the most comfort and happiness._

_“I love you, Noah,” Harry told him, pulling his son onto his lap and wrapping his arms around him. A tear fell out of the corner of his eye, feeling like the richest person in the world._

It had been two weeks since the funeral. Harry was seated at the top of the hill, looking at the familiar cityscape, replaying the memory of when Noah had told Harry why the hill was so special to him. It made it feel like Noah was sitting next to him for some reason. The light orange colored sky was beginning to get overtaken with the dreary grey clouds that had started to produce sprinkles of raindrops. Harry didn’t want to leave, however. He just wanted to sit on top of that hill until he saw Noah again.

“Harry, what are you doing out here?!”

It took him a moment to register that someone was actually calling for him. He turned and looked down at the bottom of the hill where his siser stood with her arms crossed next to her SUV. The sky was dark and leaves were blowing about from the winds that were picking up. With one more glance, Harry looked back over the bright view, Noah’s voice playing in his head.

_“It’s pretty like you. Right, daddy?”_

“Harold! Get your arse down here before we get blown away in the storm!” Gemma commanded from below. Harry let a tear escape as he stood up and a small yet sad close-mouthed smile played at his lips. He bent down, putting a daisy down by the tree. It had been one of Noah’s favorite flowers. “Harry Edward Tomlinson!”

Harry walked down the hill slowly. As he got closer to Gemma, he could see the mixed expression of sympathy and concern on her face. She walked towards Harry, linking her arm with his as she walked with him to the passenger side of the vehicle. He didn’t say anything and shrugged her off as he slunk into the car seat. As he waited for Gemma to get into the vehicle, he gazed longingly at the familiar place on the top of the hill, imagining his little family playing on top.

“Harry, are you okay?” Gemma asked, rudely ripping Harry out of his imagination.

Without a word more, Harry just nodded slowly. He didn’t want to have to talk or explain himself to her or anyone. He felt her stare burning a hole into the side of his head as a single tear ran down his cheek, but he didn’t care in the least. He didn’t care about anything anymore.

The ride back to his house was a blur. When Gemma pulled alongside the curb, the first thing that Harry saw was Noah’s little green sport trike parked alongside the deck. That trike was Noah’s favorite thing in the world.

_“I want my trike!” Noah whined, near tears._

_“It’s a thunderstorm outside, bud. You’ll get sick if you get soaked with rain,” Louis told him calmly. Harry stood back in the doorway to the kitchen, watching his husband handle their son._

_“Daddy! It’s new!” Noah said angrily, stomping his foot like a stereotypical toddler. “It’s gonna get wet if I don’t ride.”_

_Harry giggled at that and he could see Louis chortling a laugh as well. His husband turned and looked back at him. “Haz, his trike is going to get wet if he isn’t riding it.”_

_He knew that Louis was out of ideas because Noah was hard to negotiate with when he wanted to play with that damn trike. Harry walked over and shrunk down to Noah’s small height. “If you went outside in the rain to ride, you’d get sick. If you get sick, you can’t get out of bed to go ride.”_

_“Why?” Noah challenged, the cutest scowl on his small features._

_“Because daddy and I aren’t going to let you go outside to get even sicker,” Louis chimed in._

_Noah’s face changed from angry to shocked. “No!”_

_“Daddy will go park your trike alongside the deck so it’s under the eave on the roof and it won’t get too wet, okay? When it’s done raining and sunny outside, then you can go ride,” Harry negotiated, earning a very enthusiastic head nod from their son. He ruffled Noah’s hair and stood back up to Louis._

_“You’re such a mum,” Louis chuckled, pecking Harry’s lips as he walked towards the door._

Harry was brought back to reality when he heard Gemma yelling right next to him. He looked away from the trike and looked over at Gemma, who had a worried expression painted on her face.

“Where were you? I literally just yelled your name about five times in your ear,” Gemma stated. “I’m getting really worried about you.”

“Don’t bother,” Harry said hoarsely as he nudged her to get out of the vehicle.

The front door opened, revealing Louis, who looked so tired and worn out. Harry continued to walk up the front walk at a moderate pace, not caring that he was getting pelted with rain. All he wanted was to be locked inside the cold and empty house so he could go to sleep.

“Haz!” Louis called out as he grabbed Harry in a tight hug, kissing his cheeks several times. “Where did you find him?”

“He was sitting on top of the hill at Haytham Park. I have no idea why he was even there,” Gemma replied, making Harry’s broken heart flutter a little bit. It would’ve made Noah happy that his auntie didn’t know what their location was.

“I know,” Louis whispered, only loud enough for Harry to hear. “Thanks, Gemma.”

Harry pushed himself out of Louis’ arms, wanting to be alone. He walked into the house and went straight for the couch by the window so he could listen to the rain hit the window. It gave him comfort knowing that the sky was crying along with him.

Louis hadn’t followed him inside, leading Harry to assume that Gemma was relaying her concern about him. It was so stupid, in Harry’s opinion. Did she expect that he would be the happiest man alive and wanting to go back to life as it used to be? He had just lost a product of his and Louis love and happiness. He was lucky if he would ever be happy and actually want to be alive again.

As Harry turned his head and stared blankly out the window at the water droplets, Louis was walking into the living room. The man looked like Harry felt – absolute and utter shit. It wasn’t the nicest thing to say about your husband, but he didn’t mean it in a rude way. Dark black circles were settled right beneath his dull and now colorless eyes, he looked much skinnier than he had ever looked before – so much so, his face wasn’t looking as full, his hair wasn’t the shiny light caramel color anymore – it was messy and looked like someone had stripped the life from it. His skin was pale and looked like the normal color was drained from his body. He was literally showing how Harry felt.

Louis sat in the space between Harry and the arm of the couch, in which Harry responded with just cuddling down on Louis’ lap. He curled his body up into a ball as Louis put his arm around Harry’s fragile body, tracing a pattern on Harry’s arm in attempt at comforting him. His fingers on his other hand gently played in Harry’s hair. It was something that he always did when they were sitting cuddled up – it didn’t matter what they were doing. When Harry had cut his hair the year before, Louis was said that he didn’t get to play in the long curls, but he didn’t quit. It made Harry feel calm and it made him want to fall asleep usually. That coupled with the rhythm of Louis’ breathing. Everything about Louis made Harry feel calm and comforted. Like Noah, Louis was his home.

“I don’t want to be here anymore,” Harry said suddenly, not taking his eyes off the window.

“What do you mean?” Louis responded, worry underlying his tired tone.

“There’s nothing worth living for anymore,” he clarified, hoping that Louis wouldn’t decide to go completely crazy on him.

But instead he was silent. At least, for a few long moments he was. “I’m not worth living for?”

“I don’t want to leave without you, Louis,” Harry finally breathed. “There’s nothing left for us here. Noah’s gone and he took absolutely with him.”

Again, Louis fell silent. Harry knew that he shouldn’t have said anything, but he didn’t want to keep suffering on Earth anymore. Louis was the only one that he could tell because he was the only one that kept him alive as long as he has. He also didn’t want to leave him alone.

“I’m not going to commit suicide with you, Harry. I couldn’t,” Louis said almost inaudibly.

“I can’t stay here anymore,” he repeated.

“I can’t lose you too,” Louis quickly answered.

“Then do it with me,” Harry squeaked out, his eyes letting more tears that he didn’t know that he had out. “We can be with Noah again.”

“This is the worst and hardest thing that we’ve ever been through, Harry, but you have to think about Noah. He wouldn’t want this. He would want us to continue on with our lives, to go about our daily business as normal. Sure, it’s going to take a hell of a lot of effort and time, but we can’t give up,” Louis told him, his voice getting shaky. “Who knows, H, maybe one day we’ll have another son or a daughter even. We won’t forget Noah, but we need to start moving on with our lives, Harry.”

Harry’s mind reeled. “Louis, if you’re not going with me, I’ll go myself. You can have these little shitty fantasies, but you know as well as I do that ‘moving on’ isn’t a fucking option. Look at yourself. You look like a relapsing drug addict and then you expect that little bogus speech about how we can recover from this is going to give me a will to live?! You’re delusional, Louis. My son, _our baby_ , is gone. The little bundle of joy that we wanted for so long and have waited for since we first met was ripped away from me. From _us._ I devoted my life to Noah. I spent all my time trying to make sure that he had everything. You knew that. You saw that. Yet you still have the nerve to say that I’m going to move on and have another child like Noah never fucking existed. That’s not how it works, Louis. That’s not how it will ever work. You were the only one that kept me alive for this long. The only thing that I thought that had left to live for was you, but now I realize you’re just like everybody else. I realize now that I have nothing left here.”

Tears were streaming steadily down Louis’ cheeks, finally letting down his tough front. “Harry, that’s not what I meant. I know that moving on isn’t that easy and it isn’t an option. It was a terrible choice of words. But Harry, there is so much left for you here. I’m here and I always will be. I can’t lose you too. Please, just please, don’t do this.”

“My mind is made up, Louis. Whether you’re joining me or not. Whether you want me to or not,” Harry tried to say with as little tears as possible, but failed. “Goodbye, Louis. I love you.”

\----

Louis sat on the edge of the bath tub, his hands wrangled in his hair as violent sobs escaped his body. He couldn’t believe that he lost two of the most important people in his life within a month to two very horrible deaths. His heart was already so broken and now it was just dissipated. Before, he had some hope for the statement that he told Harry – about how they could power through the loss, how they could potentially have another child in the future. He knew that Gemma would most certainly gift them another child. She had even said that she would at the funeral.

But now, that hope was destroyed. With time, he knew that he could’ve gotten himself back on his feet and back to living life as normal as it could get. He knew that that could’ve potentially happened. It wouldn’t be that he moved on; it was more that he pulled up his bootstraps and powered through the storm. He would’ve never forgot Noah because that was their first child, their only little ball of sunshine. Noah had a permanent place in Louis’ mind and heart forever and ever. But he would’ve done what Noah would’ve wanted him to do and that would be to continue living.

However, now that Harry had killed himself, Louis didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to feel or how to move on or how to even live life anymore. It was all because of Louis and what he had said. If he wouldn’t have said what he did or would’ve been more careful with how he had said things, he wouldn’t be sitting on the side of a bath tub, in a house all by himself – the only traces of Harry and Noah being items. Things that never had any sentimental meaning before were now the most valuable items in the world. Louis could have stopped that from happening. He could’ve stopped himself from being surrounded by haunted objects.

The saddest part was that Louis now knew the exact feeling of despair and hopelessness that Harry had been feeling because all he wanted to do was die.

This was a challenge that Louis wasn’t willing to face, one that he wasn’t ready for. One that he would never have been ready for. When he married Harry, he imagined forever – forever being until they were old and sitting in rocking chairs, watching as their grandchildren ran around without any cares in the world. His version of forever didn’t end in their twenties. It didn’t end just four years after they had gotten married. His life didn’t pan out the way anyone had planned.

When his sobs had calmed down, Louis stood up and walked over to the mirror. The reflection staring back didn’t even look like him. He was rail thin, his ribs apparent against his skin. His hair looked like it hadn’t been combed in years. He looked like he was on death’s doorstep and it wasn’t a lie when he said that he was. It was too much to handle and nobody was going there, checking if he was okay. There was nobody there, helping him through it. It just confirmed that nobody cared whether he lived or died. So, why not just end the agony? Why not take Harry up on his offer, even though it was too late to do it together. He just wanted his babies back.

Louis sauntered out of the bathroom and made his way down the quiet halls until he was in the extra room. It was a room that they barely ever went in – only when it came to paying the bills and tax time. The room was dark and untouched as Louis entered, everything left in the same place that it was from the last time. The desk was organized, waiting for Harry to balance the checkbook, something that would never happen again. That’s when Louis knew that he was making the right decision.

He crouched down to the trunk that sat underneath the window. Louis undid the buckle and opened the box, all of the special momentos that he and Harry wanted to keep safe greeting him. He looked at a few of the pictures that were lying on top – the ones that they both coined as their favorites. It was them when they had first started dating, the many favorites of their wedding, and oodles of them with Noah. A sad smile formed on Louis’ lips as he remembered the ghost members of his family. He set them down on top of the other belongings and dug to the bottom of the trunk, grabbing out the black firearm that Louis never thought that they would use.

He brushed the back of his hand against his eyes and put the pictures back into the trunk, closing it slowly. Louis grabbed the pad of paper on the desk and sat down, picking up Harry’s favorite Ireland pen. That’s when he began writing a note – the one that Harry had never left.

After he was done, he folded the note and walked back to his and Harry’s bedroom, the note and gun in his hands. He laid it on the bed that had been made perfectly, putting it in between his and Harry’s pillows. Louis went into the bathroom, figuring that it would be better to go in there. That’s where Harry had done the deed. It felt special, in a sick and twisted way. He shut the door and turned to face himself in the mirror, raising the gun to the side of his head as tears ran like a waterfall down his face. It was time.

“I love you so much, Harry,” Louis sobbed, staring himself in the eye.

Shortly after the words left his lips, the heart wrenching bang filled the empty home, the once clean tile walls now painted with the depression and agony that had completely broken two of the strongest soldiers in the war that is called reality. 

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End file.
